Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
You Might Also Like
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.