Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters