Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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$4 #usedbooks
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
ATMs should have breathalyzers
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
crazy