how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-