Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The options really are this bad
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Just me?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.