Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Are you ok, human???
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.