I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
i wish we could shoplift online
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
*offers Batman cough drops*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.