“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11