there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
same energy
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.