We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.