PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[loses house key, starts a new life]
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.