fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
new career option?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic