Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before