Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.