Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
The internet is full of many things
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?