The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
had to make it
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Happy Thanksgiving
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*