McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”