I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I saw nothing
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Brands during Pride
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
@ candidates for local office
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly