me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay