Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
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me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.