Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
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inside you are two wolves
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too