It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
i’m sure it’s fine
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
there’s probably a fee though
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
We all have our pet causes.