If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!