Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I thought this was funny lol
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))