My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.