Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
me and who
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint