I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.