My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.