Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!