Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
We avoided this particular disaster
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
This made me chuckle.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.