Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
You Might Also Like
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
when revenge coincides with naptime
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
honestly it鈥檚 up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…