Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day