I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.