Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left