but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.