my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken