I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”