If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Expect the unexporcupine.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.