Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
We’ve come full circle
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
the best thing i’ve ever made
Seductively sings in Klingon.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now