Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You Might Also Like
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video