Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
You Might Also Like
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.