No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich