plant them where lol
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
is this a threat
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Life is a suicide mission.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.