Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Become ungovernable.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.