I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Why am I like this?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
This hospital has everything
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.