*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Science memes
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.