I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE