My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Some people were born into their job.