[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My boss called in sick of me
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.