I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.